Sundays make me sad

It is Sunday today, but I feel like it should be Saturday, and that I should be preparing for a night of fun. I feel guilty for making chocolate balls and for not doing my homework. I feel good because I just cleaned my room(by cleaned I mean I got rid of unusable pieces of paper and other things that was floating around in it and removed the gigantic balls of dust behind my door and under the bed). I feel bad because tomorrow is Monday, and I’m about to start the third week of school and I know I’m a week closer to the beginning of my life, and that I don’t have a clue what to do about that. (I have been thinking about failing some of my classes just so that I won’t have to grow up just yet, but of course I won’t do that).

Lately I’ve been self diagnosing myself with various psychological illnesses, mostly because I read the blogs of several people who suffer, and find that the things I feel and have been feeling for a few years now is the same as what they are feeling, except a little less extreme. Which is why I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m almost crazy, and I’ve decided to not be almost crazy, in fact I don’t want to be the least crazy. And just so we are clear, by crazy I mean insane and mentally unstable.

I am afraid almost crazy will turn into crazy if I keep it up. I have no energy to do anything, I can’t sleep, I cry over nothing, I have major mood swings, I have minor panic attacks when my parents are coming into my room and I freak out thinking about them seeing anything slightly private. I can’t even show them what I’m reading, I’m paranoid. I also struggle not to feel ridiculous around my friends at school.

I have absolutely no self control what so ever and I really, desperately need it, and some discipline too. I need to start working out, I need to talk more, I need to meet people outside of school more often, I need to get better grades, I need to be less sick, I need to be thinner, I need to feel prettier, I need to read some more books, I need to feel alive.

Conversations: Porn.

Sometime earlier this week I sat in a room with three of my female friends, and for some reason the topic they ended up talking about was porn, and guys. I kept my mouth shut the entire time, because it was too entertaining to listen to them agree with each other and still manage to argue a little.

One of the girls asked if anyone had ever watched a porn movie, then everyone made grimaces and sounds that ultimately meant the same as “eeeew!”(I did not make a sound or a face). Eventually I came to the conclusion that they had seen bits of porn, but never been able, or willing, to sit through an entire movie. They said it was disgusting, but then they started talking about guys and porn. Would they let their boyfriend watch porn? All of them came to the conclusion that they would, but  not too much, because then they would feel like they weren’t enough. I guess the idea was better to know and control than have no idea.

Personally I’m not into porn. I haven’t seen much, but out of what I’ve seen there was perhaps one that I liked a little. I truly understand them when they say “eww”, but I think I could enjoy porn if it wasn’t for the many girls that look like they are made of plastic and butt ugly men. Maybe a little more women taking control over the guy and a little less fake moaning. I’ve read articles about “porn for girls”, but I haven’t seen any(can’t say that I’ve really been looking, but still).

Now back to my girls’ conversation. They all seemed to think that porn was a part of a man’s needs and that he should be allowed it, to a certain extent. What about their needs? Do they not have sexual needs similar to the ones they seem to think their partners have? Do they not masturbate? I know I do(I know they do too, but that they won’t admit it, but that is a topic for another blog post). Do they seriously believe that their man will be enough satisfaction for their sexual needs, but not the other way around? That their men needs more than they do? Or is it all pretend? I, as a woman, know that I would need to satisfy myself without “my man” and that I might want something to turn me on. I wouldn’t watch porn, but I would read it or find it elsewhere. I’m pretty sure these girls will too.

Now I’ve forgotten what my point was supposed to be, let’s hope it’s in there or that I find it later.

Warning: post of self hate.

I might have mentioned this to you before: I AM FAT.

And by fat I mean overweight. I look like a baloon about to burst, an overstuffed sausage of some kind, like a gigantic ball of diabetes(which I do not have, yet..) and it is all my own fault. Why is it so? Let me tell you, I am lazy, I’m the most lazy person you’ve ever met. Well, I can’t guarantee that, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be somewhere in your top five. I’m too lazy to do my homework, I’m too lazy to work out, I’m to lazy to unload the dishwasher and I’m to lazy to look for the healthy food.

Let us look at what I’ve done so far today(I am sick, but this is pretty much what I do on any day I’m not at school antway): I woke up around twelve thirty, can you say waste of daylight? I watched some TV, ate some candy(ice cream and chocolate), read a little, slept a little more, ate half a pizza and went back to my room where I now sit in my bed writing this stupid blog post. I won’t do anything else today. Nothing more. I’ll just stay in bed or in front of the TV. Any wonder I’m fat?

I hate myself. I suffer from ignorance and stupidity. I am lazy. I eat unhealthy food. I never workout. I know all this, yet I lack the self discipline to do something about it, I lack the motivation and the guts to really
drag my ass out of bed and do something about it.

Guess what, I will do something about it! I will start working out, I will keep doing my homework and I will clean my room once a week. Three reasonable goals right? I’ll probably manage to keep up the work for a week, maybe two before I throw the towel in, but I don’t want to. I want to be strong, I want to get better grades, I want to be think, smart, funny. I want to get new friends, I want to fall in love, I might even want a boyfriend. I want a life.

Sick girl

http://www.sxc.hu/

This is my third day of not being at school, I’m sick. Yay. I do not have a cold so I’m guessing it is a virus and they tend to be hard to get rid of, at least that is how it usually works. Last time I had a virus I was sick for about a month(spent the entire winter vacation in bed! That seriously sucked). I’m going to school tomorrow though.

So what does a girl do when she is home alone, to feverish to get out of bed, afraid to fall asleep because the dreams are way to real for her own good(The general topic of my fever fantasy dreams happens to be death, vampires and falling through stairs)? I’ll tell you she reads “chick-lit”, nauseating sweet and romantic stories that usually results in me feeling, well, nauseous. Right now I’m reading something of Marian Keyes, and I find it ridiculous, though I must admit in it’s original language it might be funny, but not so much in the translated to Norwegian version.

I’m also spending a lot of my time here on the internet, reading blogs, watching TV shows and things like that. Lurking on my friends(oh how much nifty information I get from that!).

Then last but not least I’m looking for gift ideas, I have two friends who is turning eighteen soon, and they need presents. Nice presents. It is horribly difficult to find something, I have no ideas what so ever. They don’t know what they want either. I bet I’ll en up giving them money, and nothing is more boring than that.

to-do list of the day

Here is what I’m supposed to do today, preferably right now(instead I’m printing out pictures to stick on my school journal thingy):

1. English homework
2. Economy homework
3. History homework
4. Clean my room(throw stuff out and vacuum)
5. go for a short run/ride the stationary bike(oh look, I get to choose)
6. take a shower

Now does anyone think I’ll be able to do all that today?

Procrastinating

I have a long list of things to do today, but I can’t seem to get started. I’m spending time on my favorite websites for procrastination(or in the words of my mother: Wasting time) and I’m writing lists and doing all sorts of things so that I won’t have to start doing  the stuff I really should do. On the positive side I’ll be writing several posts here today, among those there will be the sticky note, my to-do list and a list over my favorite procrastination websites. Starting with the latter.

My favorite websites to browse when I’m supposed to do other things:

http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/

http://www.foundmagazine.com/

http://todolistblog.blogspot.com/

I’ve now spent more than an hour browsing through those sites and other similar ones(though they failed to keep me interested for long).

This is a blogpost.

Today I’m feeling pretty good about myself, I drove a car for my very first time. It was all very exiting. I took the obligatory theory class two year ago, but I never got into a car and drove. Now I have. I can’t tell you how good this is for me. Last time I tried I panicked and left the car after only starting it. This time I actually drove around.

the sticky note is coming tomorrow, I think. I’ve also started a monthly clean out of my bag, now that school has started I’m bound to generate a lot of trash, and fill it with things I don’t really need all the time. I plan on documenting that too and post it. Again just so that I can feel a little productive when I’m not in the mood for writing.

What else is new? I’ve got homework to do over the weekend and will spend tomorrow doing them, plus making a new cover for my to do book. Boring much?

Out of order.

I am currently out of order, I need to be fixed. I’m not sure who to call about that though. I’m freaking out, feeling bad and watching a lot of Buffy, Bones, Gilmore Girls, and Blood Ties. My nose and ears are itching and I’m overall in a bad weird mood. If I didn’t know any better I’d call it a woman thing, but I’m thinking it’s a psychological thing, oh joy.

School starts tomorrow, so my dear reader(s) I might not do the sticky note tomorrow. I might be busy being angry and sad at the same time, and if that is the case I’ll be crying and cursing and throwing things around. I can feel the fright creeping in, so wish me luck with my senior year.

Time for the sticky note!

Today I have no picture of the sticky note, my camera is in hiding.

This weeks note is another shopping list, but of the more creative sort, and it goes like this:

• Felt
• white fabric
• stuffing(stuff to stuff inside little felt thingies)
• clear nail polish
• needle
• buttons
• Broche backsides.
• Glue of the super kind.

Feeling creative? M? No way xD

I wish I could find iron on letters though, I can’t find them anywhere. What is up with that?

I need something to do!

I am officially bored to boredom. Usually I can fight off the boredom by just lying down in my bed making up stories, but not today. Today it doesn’t suffice. Oh well, we all have those days right? I’ve been searching the net for a job, but I can’t find anything that seems like something I’d enjoy. The only job that seemed suitable for me I’m to late to apply for. Do you want to hear me scream?

To get your first job, at eighteen, is difficualt. Specially when your parents can’t hook you up with one. My mother works with disabled people, and I’m clearly not qualified to do that, and they’ve already got cleaners. My dad builds houses, and even though I know how to use a screw driver, it isn’t very attractive, plus I’m at school during most of his work hours.

Where does that leave me? Alone and miserable. I’m fat so nobody wants to hire me, not that I have the guts to ask them in the first place. Does anyone think that someone would hire me if I wore a sign saying “I need an after school job” around my neck? No? I didn’t think so either.

I know of one place and one place only where I could get a job, but they are not hiring. Bully for me.